Things Guests Say That Make Me Want to Walk the Plank

Welcome Aboard, Captain Obvious

Let’s get one thing straight: I love my job. I love the ocean, the quirky crew, the salty breeze, the stargazing at anchor. But sometimes… sometimes a guest will say something so baffling, so cosmically unaware, that I seriously consider tying a rope to a coconut and diving overboard for dramatic effect.

Working as a cruise director in Indonesia aboard traditional phinisi yachts has brought me joy, adventure, and a lifetime supply of oddball one-liners that deserve to be immortalized. So grab your imaginary life vest and hold on tight because these are the things guests say that make me want to walk the plank.

"So... which country is Bali in?"

Bali. The tiny tropical speck that single-handedly launched a thousand boho Instagram accounts. And yet, I still get asked with dead-serious confusion what country it belongs to.

“It’s in Indonesia,” I say with a smile that masks existential pain.
“But I thought Indonesia was in Bali?”

Sure. And the Eiffel Tower is in Las Vegas.

"Are we sailing to Raja Ampan... or Raja Ampit?"

Close. So close. But no. It’s Raja Ampat, not something that sounds like a medieval surgical procedure. It means “Four Kings” in Indonesian, and no, there is no fifth king named "Ampun."

"Will we pass by Thailand on this cruise?"

Not unless you have a teleporting phinisi. Indonesia is made of over 17,000 islands, enough to keep us busy without swinging by Phuket.

"Can I pet the Komodo dragon?"

Yes. And while you’re at it, maybe give a grizzly bear a high five?

No. No, you may not pet the Komodo dragon. Not unless you want to become a cautionary tale and a snack.

"Where can I find Nemo?"

You’d think it’s a joke. It’s not. Some people actually think we have Nemo on payroll and he’ll be popping out from an anemone to wave.

In fairness, clownfish are everywhere out here. But no, I can’t guarantee a Disney cameo. Unless you count me bursting into “Under the Sea” during snorkel briefings.

"Do manta rays bite?"

Only if you insult their swimming style.

Jokes aside, manta rays are filter feeders, totally harmless, and among the most graceful creatures you'll ever swim with. But I do appreciate the concern, Karen.

"Is the seafood caught fresh every morning?"

On a luxury yacht, your chef is too busy making eggplant mousse and 48-layer mille-feuille to go spearfishing at dawn. While some fish may be fresh from local villages, others come from the freezer because reliable supply chains don’t grow on coral reefs.

"Do you have oat milk, almond milk, soy milk, and cashew milk?"

We’re in the middle of the Banda Sea, not Brooklyn.

We do our best to accommodate dietary preferences if they're shared with us in advance. But no, I can’t just hop in the dinghy and hope the nearest remote island sells non-dairy milk but sometimes I want to reply, “Would you like our onboard cow to whip up something fresh?”

"Can the crew take drone shots of me doing yoga on the bow at sunrise?"

Ah, yes. Just what our deckhand dreams of: crawling out of his bunk at 5:30 AM to film your downward dog with a drone he’s not certified to fly.

You’re lucky you’re flexible, because my patience is doing backbends.

"Why don’t you post more content on your personal Instagram?"

Because I’m too busy making sure your dive gear isn’t on backwards and that the tide doesn’t strand us on a reef.

Also, social media is not my job, I’m a cruise director, not an influencer’s unpaid intern.

"Do people in Indonesia speak... Indonesian?"

No, we all speak fluent Minion.

Yes, the official language is Bahasa Indonesia, and no, it’s not just a dialect of “Bali.” Fun fact: the country has over 700 languages, but let’s take it one island at a time.

"Why don’t the locals speak better English?"

Because it’s not their first language, and we’re guests in their home, not vice versa. Also, not everyone dreams of mastering “I’d like a dirty chai latte with oat milk” just for your vacation comfort.

"Can we stop at that island right there?"

Yes, let’s just veer off the itinerary, ignore the current, depth, tides, permits, and the fact that the “island” is actually a mirage of a wave breaking over a reef.

Spontaneity is fun. Dying on a coral head? Less fun.

"Why can’t we snorkel during the storm?"

Because I’m legally obligated to not let you be electrocuted, swept away, or attacked by angry sea cucumbers in rough seas. You're welcome.

"Are we still moving?" (While we’re anchored.)

Ah, my favorite philosophical inquiry.

We’re anchored. As in, stationary. Immobile. Boat is not going anywhere.

I guess the gentle rocking was too subtle? Or maybe they thought we were just gliding quietly across the Pacific, propelled by good vibes and espresso fumes.

"You should take us to Piaynemo in the morning, trust me."

Ah yes, the beloved moment when a guest tells me how to do my job because they went to the same place once… a week ago… on a speedboat.

“Morning light is better,” she said.

Except it’s not. I purposely scheduled the hike to Piaynemo in the afternoon so the sun would be behind you, casting a glow on the limestone islets instead of turning you into a silhouette.
But sure, let’s argue about sunlight with someone who literally plans these trips for a living.

"Oh! You speak English really well… with a hint of American accent."

This one always hits like a sneaky mosquito bite. Meant to be a compliment, lands like a backhanded slap.

Yes, I speak English. Fluently. I’ve studied abroad, worked internationally, and I’m quite literally directing your whole trip in it. The hint of an American accent? Thanks, I guess? Let’s call it “global seasoning.”

 “There is art in the madness, I respect you for it.”

Now this one lives rent-free in my brain. It came from one of the most difficult guests I’ve ever hosted, one of those people who questioned every decision, every schedule, every snack (yes, even the snacks).

But on the final day, as we hugged our goodbyes and I braced myself for one last critique, he said:

“I doubted you at first. But now I know why you do certain things the way you do it. There is art in the madness and I respect you for it.”

Reader, I nearly cried into my walkie-talkie. That’s why I keep going.

Why I Stay Afloat Anyway

As much as these quotes make me want to cannonball overboard with a dramatic flourish, they’re also what make this job endlessly entertaining. There’s never a dull day at sea, just sunrises, sea turtles, good food, and a constant stream of unfiltered guest commentary that would make even Poseidon chuckle.

Besides, some of the funniest things guests say are also the most endearing:

• “This was the best trip of my life.”

• “I didn’t know the ocean could be this color.”

• “Thank you for making me feel safe, seen, and so happy.”

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. So next time you’re onboard, feel free to ask me all your burning questions, but maybe Google a map first.

Until next tide,

Your friendly (and only slightly sarcastic) guide at sea.

Thank you for reading and now back to happily roaming!